28 Apr 2013


'Giant Fist' photo (c) 2006, chem7 - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

This journey is hard.  Harder than I could ever imagine.  And yet – God says He’s with me the whole way and I have His unlimited strength to pull from when I think I can’t go on any longer.  So why does this trigger control issues for me (and others)?

I think the answer lies in our own baggage, not the baggage of our husbands. If I’m honest, I look back at our courting-days and realize that I saw something in my husband that met my own needs and nurtured my own wounds, just as he saw similar things in me.  To borrow a line from Sleepless in Seattle, “…when you’re attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as love is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.”  My wounding from growing up in a dysfunctional home saw (in him) safety from the type of pain I was used to.

When my husband’s brokenness came to light and we started dealing with it (or not!), my natural response was to control.  Control him, control me, control us.

We lead tables at a marriage ministry at our church, and one of the things we talk about is forgiveness and reconciliation.  Not just how to forgive or what reconciliation looks like, but what fake-reconciliation looks like.  We call it “The Veneer of Reconciliation.”  Veneer, if you’re familiar with furniture, is a thin overlay of real wood over particle board, MDF, etc.  It looks like wood, but is very different than real wood.  The actual “wood” is only millimeters thick, not true to the core.  So when my husband and I “reconciled” in the “veneer of reconciliation”-way, it looked like this:

Him:  [confession] I’m sorry.  I won’t do it again.
Me:  [feeling puked upon and saying this because I knew it was expected]  I accept your apology.
Him:  [feeling clean]  Thanks.  Now… let’s move on!
Me:  [doubtful, fearful] Ummm…
Him:  I said I was sorry!  LET’S MOVE ON!
Me:  [fearful, unable to move on so quickly, needing to control to make sure it doesn’t happen again.]

Now back to control:  why was this a natural response to dealing with my husband’s sexual brokenness?  Some of that response could have something to do with the type of reconciliation we were dealing with.  To be completely honest, we were never taught how to truly reconcile.  I was taught to accept an apology as genuine when it was delivered, whether or not it accompanied remorse, compassion, behavioural changes, etc.  My husband wasn’t taught to apologize at all and had no concept of making behavioural changes to back up the feelings of remorse.  And when you mix elements of addiction in to this mess… well, control is the natural response.

For me, it ended up being two different tracks of control.  The first track was self-control in the form of perfectionism.  If I was the best wife and woman I could possibly be, he wouldn’t feel the need to act out, right?  If I kept the house as spotless as it could be, he wouldn’t feel the urge to self-medicate when he came home after a long day at work, because his castle would be his haven, right?  Sadly, this is reinforced by popular Christian books on how to be a submissive wife – and it puts the burden on the woman to control her husband’s actions through her presentation of herself and the home (and children, if applicable).  It’s a wicked burden to bear and it doesn’t change anything in terms of hearts or motivations.

The second track of control (when the first one failed, as it always did), was to control my husband.  If I could force the issue of transparency (what I ultimately needed to heal) and force him to face his demons, then I would be safe.  Right?  This looked like having him do an online study for sexual purity.  It looked like reading his emails, checking the internet history, knowing his passwords, and not allowing him any space to move without me knowing it.

If that sounds stifling or exhausting, it was.  On both counts.  But it was the only way I knew to continue on this path of “we’re getting better.”

What I didn’t know then is that in a real case of reconciliation, the offending spouse adds humility and an ability to wait and create trust in to the apology.  This gives the hurt spouse time to assimilate the information, consider it, attend to the wound it creates, and then slowly choose to trust again as the offending spouses does what s/he says s/he will do and drops his/her defenses.  Thankfully, this is where we landed in ’09 (the time of my husband’s last big stumble).  I didn’t feel the need to control him and his actions, or to control me and my actions.  He gave me space to process, added humility and transparency in to his response, and we were truly able to move on, together.

So what does “not controlling” look like practically?  It’s me, holding my husband loosely.  I have to trust that the Lord will show me what I need to know when I need to know it (and He does!).  I have to trust that I personally cannot make any lasting changes in my husband, but that the Holy Spirit can.  It means that I must trust that God’s plan for us as a couple is good – not our definition of good, but His definition of good.  And that includes holiness, looking more like Him than me, and carrying me through the hard times and rough spots all with the purpose of His glory in mind.  I’m so glad I’ve stopped trying to control our situation – God is so much better at it than I am and now I’m free to be me.  :).

21 Jan 2013

It’s That Time Again…

Every January, at least for the past few years, we register for CrossPower Ministry’s Marriage & Mentor’s Conference.  It’s a time of transparency, marriage-building, 'nextrad.io nametags' photo (c) 2011, Next Radio - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/communication, and fun with people all over the country.  We were scared spitless the first year we went, but in subsequent years, we’ve been delighted in the relationships we’ve built, the friendships that have flourished, and the honesty with which we’ve come to view our own journey in marriage impacted by same-sex attraction.

If you are a married couple impacted by homosexuality in some way, I highly recommend registering and attending the conference. Registration is capped at 174 attenders this year (including mentors!), and the last figure I heard was that 112 people had already registered.

Click the link above for more information, and watch the video that captivated our hearts, way back in 2008….


09 Nov 2012

In the Trenches

'Sadness' photo (c) 2007, Dr. Wendy Longo - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/Maybe blogging in the midst of heartache isn’t the wisest thing – but if I can’t be real here, where can I be real?  Thanks for witnessing my walk through this valley….

There’s a part of me that would like to stay silent.  That part of me wants to encourage others and not weigh them down with my burdens.  But that’s taking far too much responsibility for others on my own shoulders, and really – life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, so how much encouragement comes from pretending it is?

My husband hasn’t been protecting his purity – or me – in recent months.  He’s dabbled back in his unhealthy patterns and has been hiding.  In short, he’s screwed up.  I’m not in any physical danger – it’s entirely mental and emotional.  But as I sit here and type, after a really rotten night of “sleep” (two melatonin tablets and hours of tossing & turning), sipping coffee and thinking – all I can feel are the tears behind my eyes.  It feels as though my heart is breaking all over again.  You think I’d get used to this and it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but for whatever reason, right now, it is.

I know that last part isn’t fair to me.  Betrayal isn’t something that I “should get used to,” and it’s something I was designed to “get used to.”  I was designed for more – but because I’m human and fallen, the path I walk with another fallen human being is less than what we were both designed for.

So why didn’t I confront before last night?  Weariness, I suppose – we’ve dealt with an inordinate number of deaths in the past two months, and I’m tired.  Tired of mourning, tired of slogging through my days and dealing with the sadness that comes with it.  It zapped my energy to do normal things (grief is funny like that) and made me tired so that when we fell in to bed, it was out of sheer exhaustion, not passion.  And yet, I knew.  I just didn’t have the will to see it through at that time.

As we talked last night and he confessed his shortcomings, he said, “I had this sense, yesterday, as we hugged in the kitchen, of “I am yours and you are mine,” and I loved it.”  My response was to sob, as I explained, “Yes, but you aren’t ‘all mine’!”  He has shared himself with others in a way that he’s not “all mine,” and that breaks my heart in tiny pieces.  This isn’t what we were created to experience and that loss of Eden is weighing heavily on me right now.

So where do we go from here?  I honestly haven’t a clue.  We’ll keep walking, together, and I’ll keep crying as I need.  I’m not a big fan of crying – it makes a mess of my makeup, makes my contacts cloudy and my eyes puffy – but I’ve determined it’s far better to feel the grief than to stuff it.  Because although I’m a world-class stuffer, I’ve not enjoyed having to deal with this stuff later, either.

I’m going to put some essential oils on that help perk me up – not that take away the emotions and leave me zombie-like, but that help me look up and realize that someday, we’ll be out of the trench warfare.  I hope it’s sooner, rather than later, but I know God is sustaining me through it all and I’m trying to learn how to be a better disciple in the process.

Thanks again for witnessing this part of my journey.  I’d love it if I could’ve scattered rose petals in this post and made you feel fuzzy inside, but I’ll see if I can save that for a future post.  😉.

04 Jun 2012

love the sinner…?

'Salvation Mountain' photo (c) 2010, MythicSeabass - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/If you’ve been a Christ-follower in America for any length of time, you can probably finish this expression.  For readers who might be international, I’ll finish it here:

…hate the sin.

On the surface, this seems like an okay sentiment – after all, we’re supposed to love people like Jesus does.  But somewhere along the line, “hate the sin” came to be a secret phrase for “you person who clearly doesn’t love God because you keep on sinning.”  It has always been used in (veiled) reference to sexual brokenness, specifically of the homosexual nature.  So for the person struggling with an unwanted SSA or the person who’s fully embraced his or her LGBT identity, that phrase was kept special and used just for them.

The trouble is, Biblically-speaking, that phrase is all wrong.  It’s not Scriptural, and never do we find Jesus saying it anywhere in the text.  He said things like, “And why worry about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?”  (Luke 6:41-42; Matthew 7:3-5) when talking about how we respond to sin.

Beyond that point, however, the American church has used this phrase and the seeming care over someone else’s (sexual) sin as a way to separate and determine a hierarchy for sin.  Some sin is “more grievous” than others, we’re taught.  And yet ALL SIN put Jesus on the cross.  Some sin didn’t do it more than others.  Some sins have different (and more severe) consequences than others, but people who utter the words “love the sin, hate the sinner” aren’t worried about consequences of sin.  They generally don’t know many (if any) people who struggle with sexual brokenness in order to be involved in the picking up of pieces.

Some people use the phrase in a slightly-innocent, unknowing way.  They don’t mean harm by it; they just haven’t given it enough thought to consider whether or not it’s true or a piece of religious flotsam-and-jetsam.  Thankfully, when the reality of what this phrase is and how it’s used is brought to their attention, they stop using it.

This blog really isn’t about the politics of sex or the way the Church has flubbed the issue of sex in culture.  But speaking as a wife of a sexually-broken man, I can tell you that when I hear the aforementioned-phrase, I know the person with whom I’m speaking is not a safe individual.  I know that my shields must be up – not just to protect myself, but to protect my family.  I cannot be myself and talk about real life with that person.  That phrase becomes an isolator for me – whether it’s said in innocence or with malice, I know that the speaker isn’t in a place to hear about our journey.

So if this phrase isn’t helpful, what IS the appropriate expression?  I think if Jesus were here, walking with us today, we would hear Him say something like this:  “You’ve heard it said, ‘Love the sinner, hate the sin.’  But I tell you, ‘Hate your own sin and don’t worry about the sin of your neighbor.'”  This, after all, is Biblical (see the verses above) and lets Jesus worry about the sin an individual struggles with.  We’re not God, we don’t get to know a person’s deep, inner heart, and we don’t have God’s infinite wisdom to judge fairly.  So let’s leave that part to God and keep ourselves out of it.  That gives us more time to love people like Jesus commanded (John 13:34) and more opportunity to be a safe person and help the individual who’s picking up the pieces of life, one fragment at a time.


07 Apr 2012

Dealing with Addiction

There are going to be times in this journey when you, the one who isn’t dealing with sexual brokenness personally, wants nothing more than your spouse to be healed and whole. Sometimes this will correspond with your spouse wanting it for himself/herself, but if my experience is anything like that of others, there are times when the pull of the addiction is too strong and you’re alone in this desire.

What do you do then? You cannot make your spouse want wholeness more than s/he wants to quell the pain. You cannot force someone to walk away from the self-medicating that has become more than habit, but an ingrained part of life. As the expression goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. As frustrating as that is, it’s true.

I liken it to a physical addiction of alcohol or drugs – when the spouse has to choose between continuing to enable the addict’s behaviour or letting him/her organically grow the desire for sobriety. It’s SO hard, watching your loved one stumble. It’s SO hard to eschew self-protecting behaviours. It’s SO hard to trust them to a God Who loves them even more than you do.

So what do you do?

I’ve found my best weapon to be prayer. That probably sounds trite and a bit over-simplified, but it’s true. It’s not that prayer changes the circumstances immediately (although sometimes it can – God’s cool like that), but prayer is my connection to God and He speaks to my soul as I speak with Him. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is, when in the times of despair, He’s met me exactly where I need Him to. The daily devotions that seem to be written only to me (but are published internationally), the words in a Psalm or other passage of Scripture that I will swear I’ve never read before – despite having read them countless times.

It’s in those times that the reality of prayer and the starkness of the situation contrast – and yet, God still has it in control. He’s still on the throne, and He still wants healing for my husband more than I want healing for my husband – and possibly, even more than my husband wants healing for himself.

But one of the most important things about talking to Him during times when I feel like I want healing more than my husband does is that He increases my love for my husband. In the midst of frustration, He pours His amazing love in to my heart to the point of overflow – and the overflow ends up spilling over in to how I talk to and relate to my soulmate. It’s a beautiful and mysterious thing – because it washes away my resentment, my frustration, and my longing to be in a relationship untarnished by sexual brokenness. That last part will never be my reality – but I know someday, this will be a testimony of God’s handiwork and His touch, and it won’t be our daily story.

If you’re in a place of wanting healing and restoration more than your broken spouse does, take it to God in prayer.  Jesus died for our struggles and to forgive our shortcomings.  He rose again, victorious, to set us free and He really does (honest and truly!) have a good plan for your life, even if you can’t see it, sense it, or feel it right now.

Cling to that truth and talk to Him.  Ask Him to work His plan in the heart of your spouse and then ask Him to work His good plan in you.  One day, our struggle-stories will be overcomer-stories, and it’s moments like these that become turning points and white-hot spots of God’s love and grace that move things along..

06 Apr 2012


'Weary' photo (c) 2009, K. Kendall - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
God has been doing great things in our lives – seriously great things. I’ve been so busy with the things He’s sent that I’ve not written in a while and I’m feeling the need to be honest and vulnerable here.

Much like the flower to the right looks, I feel.  Like I need a long, cool drink of water in order to perk back up.

So why am I tired?  Where God is working, the Enemy is opposing.  It’s as simple as that.

God is bringing us new couples to talk to, to pray for, and to walk with on this journey – at least 4 in the last 4 months.  Their journeys are precious and I’m so grateful to be able to share the walk with them and to help them feel less alone.  I so remember those days – how heart-and-gut-wrenching it was, how isolating, how scary, and how I just couldn’t seem to dry my tears for days on end.  If someone else’s walk down the path of sexual brokenness can be made slightly easier from sharing with me for a bit, then I will gladly walk with them, pray with them, talk to them, and simply listen.  Gladly.  God never promised me it would be easy, but He also promised never to waste a hurt or miss a tear that falls from my eye.

And so walk, talk, pray, and listen I we have.  We’re bringing a mentor couple with us to the CPM conference, three couples who are in the midst (in varying stages) of walking this journey out, and ourselves.

I’m reminded, as my fingers skim the keys looking for the next word to type, that John & Stasi Eldredge said in Love and War, “You have an enemy.  Your spouse is not it.”  It’s an apt reminder for those of us dealing with sexual brokenness, because our spouses can start to feel like the enemy as they grapple with addiction, compulsive behaviours, and general weaknesses.  But to be angry and treat our spouses like the enemy?  That’s just misplaced anger – or “sideways anger,” as we call it here.  The anger needs to be at the Accuser, the one who tempts, who has had such a real role in creating the wounds that manifest as sexual brokenness.

The Accuser is active and trying to meddle in our lives.  Is it a coincidence that right before a life-changing weekend away, I’m struggling with it all?  That my husband is struggling again with his brokenness and compulsive behaviours?  Is it coincidence that as I struggle with this seemingly never-ending journey and feelings of betrayal that the Spirit reminds me it’s the very *day* we remember Jesus’ betrayal at the hands of a friend?

I don’t think so.

After talking to many of my sisters on this path, I’m seeing a pattern – the Wily One, the “father of lies” is trying to steal from us, preemptively.  If he can get our eyes off of Jesus (the Author and Perfecter of our faith), make us angry, tired, and frustrated with our spouses, we might not get as much as the Father has for us at the conference.  We might be so distracted that we miss the gift of unconditional love, acceptance, and healing words as a balm for our souls.  I don’t want to miss any of that.

So I’m trying to soak in Jesus more.  I’m trying to absorb more from my daily readings, listen more in the conversation in my head and heart with Him, and to live more in Him than in myself.  I am weary – but I’m reminded that He said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavily-burdened, and I will give you rest.”

I’m waiting for that rest.  I suspect I’ll find that long, cool drink in the middle of the desert, and that it will be served to me by those who are being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Is that ironic?

No, I think it’s just God..

24 Feb 2012

Marriage & Mentors Conference

Just a quick post to remind you that if you’re not signed up for the CPM Marriage Conference (April 12-15) in Midland, TX, you should be! :)

My husband and I have found tremendous amounts of hope, help, and healing on these weekends – this year will be our third consecutive trip. We’re still figuring out all of the details on this end, but our tickets are purchased and our registration is complete.

The link for the conference information is here.  This is an investment in you, your marriage, and your future – I cannot recommend it highly enough for couples who have been impacted by homosexuality.

More to come in upcoming weeks… as C.S. Lewis liked to say, “Aslan is on the move!”  We’re experiencing that “movement” here and right now, my days are busy and my heart is full.  I’ll be back to writing soon..

06 Nov 2011

So much to write…

'Fountain Pen' photo (c) 2008, Ryan Scott - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/Life has been incredibly busy here.  Not in a bad way, mind you, but so much that my writing has fallen off the planner pages, for the most part.  I have posts to publish about how we as wives relate to our husbands, about how my expectations have been turned upside down (but my husband’s expectations haven’t – yet), and more.  But right now, my brain is full from yesterday’s activities.

I went to NARTH’s annual conference – or rather, a one-day track for the public who aren’t members of NARTH.  The National Association for the Research & Therapy of Homosexuality is having its annual convention right now, and for the first time ever, opened up a day for the public.  I went to learn more about the current modalities and methodologies in therapy for homosexuality, as this is my intended focus within my next degree, but also to represent a ministry we’re involved in to other members of the public.

It was a fabulous day of knowledge-gathering for me – my notebook is crammed, my brain even more-so.  I met amazing people, listened to learned researchers, and heard from hurting families looking for hope.  I drove through a pack of protestors outside the hotel and avoided open confrontation with them inside the hotel, and generally had an extremely tiring but incredibly fulfilling day.  After driving through the protestors and reading a sign that said, “What Would Jesus Do?” I thought, “Jesus would smile, wave, and love you.”  So that’s exactly what I did:  I smiled, waved, and loved them.

The topic of therapy for gays is definitely a hot issue in our society today, but one thing that was made crystal clear is this:  no one is advocating therapy for someone who doesn’t want it.  No one is forcing “change” on anyone who is content in his/her lifestyle and doesn’t want to change their orientation.  Likewise, no one should force someone who WANTS to change to stay the way they are.  I think if we change the topic from sexual orientation to something of a less-hot-topic nature, the issue becomes less clouded.

Imagine, if you will, a group of 100 people, all of whom are at an “overweight” status (based on national benchmarks).  Of that 100 people, 70 of them are either content with their body shape/size/image or don’t care, and are by default, okay with how they look.  30 people, however, are not okay with their body shape/size/image and desire to lose weight.  Without looking at modality of weight loss and whether or not it’s effective long-term in changing behaviour patterns, lifestyles, or anything else, will the 70 who are content FORCE the 30 who are discontent and want to change their lifestyle to continue to be overweight?  How does that bode for self-care, longterm mental health, etc., of those who want to change?   Would protestors block efforts for those who want to be on a weight-reduction program?  Would they picket every Weight Watchers meeting, or post hate-messages on boards with access to Atkins programs?

Obviously, I don’t want to strip the seriousness out of the discussion by taking my metaphor too far.  But you see how, once we remove the emotionality that surrounds the politics of sex, how much more absurd the ‘debate’ seems?  No one is advocating kidnapping members of the LGBT community and forcing them in to therapy against their will.  If you are LGBTQ and have no desire to change and are content in your lifestyle, more power to you!  But for those with an unwanted SSA, the idea that change is possible is one filled with hope.  Much like the 30 people in my metaphor, they want to change.  To tell them that change is impossible, immoral, or wrong absolutely strips them of all hope.

But just because change is possible doesn’t mean it looks the same for everyone.  One of the things that I found encouraging was a therapist-friend’s testimony of change yesterday.  He asserts that his orientation has changed (just like my husband professes), but that his change in orientation also possesses some challenges.  His legitimate needs for non-sexual male-bonding and affirmation are still there – and he said that if doesn’t meet those needs, he feels as though his symptoms of SSA could re-emerge.  This doesn’t mean he’s repressed, as critics will argue, but it means that his legitimate emotional needs are linked to his unwanted SSA.

Some people don’t find a reduction of SSA desires in therapy, but find a much better, healthier understanding of themselves, a sense of boundaries, and are better people overall because of the therapy.  Does that mean that the therapy failed?  No – because no psychological treatment modality of any kind can profess a 100% success rate – ever. I really do believe that change is possible for all motivated individuals, but what that final outcome looks like is different for everyone.  But research has shown that no harm comes to those who seek therapy for sexual orientation – in fact, their overall rates of suicide and depression are less than what they are before and even during treatment.

Back to my point about stripping hope from strugglers – to me, this is one of the cruelest things we could do to each other as people.  People grow, change, and find all sorts of ways to achieve Maslow’s apex of self-actualization.  To tell someone who has an unwanted trait that it’s pointless to try to change and that changing that trait might actually harm them is beyond the pale.  If we say that we love each other and want to support each other, that also means supporting each other as we grow and change – even if the change is something that I personally don’t want.  What kind of a wife would I be if I didn’t support my husband through this and instead allowed my mis-perceptions and prejudices to say, “No, I will not support you while you attempt to change.  You cannot change, you will not change, and I don’t love you enough to stand by while you attempt this”?  I wouldn’t be a wife – I’d be an ex-wife.

The pain is great for strugglers and the spouses who love them – no question.  Our sexual identity is a core-issue and helps to define so much in our personal worldview.  One of the things I gleaned from during yesterday’s presentations, however, is that change is possible, and resources are out there for those who want to change.  My links in the sidebar will reflect new groups who help to facilitate change..

26 May 2011


The Christian Nymphos have interviewed me about our journey with each other, as impacted by SSA.  It’s my prayer that the interview will shine light for people who aren’t on this path with us, and the God will use my words to change hearts for His glory.

You can read the whole interview here..

11 May 2011

This is Where It’s About Me

Most of the time, I recognize that my husband’s struggle with SGA isn’t about me.  I’ve said it a thousand times if I’ve said it once:  it feels like it’s about me, but that’s just because it impacts me.  I didn’t make him struggle and he struggled long before I met him and came in to his life.

But here’s where it is about me:  when fear lives inside my head.

I normally don’t cotton to fear – I acknowledge it and send it packing, inviting the Holy Spirit in to banish it forever, instead.  I’m also not living in fear now – but I will admit that it’s been a little harder this go-around than in the past.

I woke up this morning from a dream that we were moving (we are) and I was packing (I am).  Here’s where it gets weird and uncomfortable for me:  in the dream, I pulled out some large device (an oven or washing machine, maybe?) and hidden behind the appliance was evidence of my husband self-medicating again.  I woke up and drifted back to sleep quickly.

I mentioned the dream to my beloved this morning, sort of as a “hey, I had this dream….” conversation and told him how disturbed I was by the dream, but I didn’t know where it all came from.  I haven’t consciously been concerned about him self-medicating for many months now – maybe even 6 months.  I haven’t even given a passing thought to the idea that his SGA is returning or that he’s actively pursuing it.  We live in a transparent marriage and we’re both honest and open with each other as part of our intimacy.  So where did this come from and why am I writing about it?

I honestly believe that dreams are an avenue for spiritual attack.  I’m highly intuitive and live “inside of myself” most of the time.  Because my intuition is a road that the Holy Spirit uses in my life to communicate with me and dreams are often a part of that communication, I believe the enemy also invades that “open road” when he can.  So at its core, this dream is spiritual and an active attack against me; an attack that is designed to put fear in me and get my eyes off of Jesus.

Part of where This is About Me (meaning, the SGA journey) is this:  my husband can do all good things and be above reproach, allowing God to continue to heal him, but if I live in fear, his struggle is reduced to me.  I’ve essentially moved him off of whatever God is doing (and focusing on that) to focusing on me, my fear, my worry, and proving himself to me.  Now, were all of those things necessary at some point?  Yes – because trust was broken and addressing worry, fear, and proving oneself is all part of restoring and rebuilding trust.  But it is a finite aspect of our relationship and I’ve far moved past it.

Where it becomes destructive is if I can’t leave that place of fear and distrust. If I cannot give my concerns and worries to God and let Him do His work in me while He’s also working in my husband, then I’m being counter-productive and damaging our relationship.  And if I’m honest, I’m also dooming our marriage, because a successful marriage needs two individuals who love and trust each other.  If I’m not willing to trust my husband, then for all practical purposes, I’m dooming our relationship.

Bringing this full-circle, I’ve banished my fears from the dream and moved on.  The enemy would like nothing more than to have me dwell on the “what ifs” instead of what God is actually doing.  Just as my husband’s journey is a refining fire for him, God is using his journey to refine ME as well.  I can squelch His work in my life by choosing to live in fear, or I can choose to cooperate and be part of The Bigger Picture and give my fear to Him.

I’m choosing to be an active participant and allow God to make this journey about Him, not about me.

God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7